"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."
— Deuteronomy 25:11-12
Wait, I don't understand what just happened. So me and some of my friends from the country are fighting two other guys. And upon seeing this, my wife's only reaction is to reach out and grab some balls? This woman is clearly a fucking moron. Why did I marry her? Where did I even meet this troglodyte?